I would like the start this off by thanking everyone who commented on the INFJ depression/shutdown post. Rereading the comments helps me mentally in a way I can't begin to describe beyond saying that it's good to know other people understand. One of you asked how INFJ’s can re-trigger their emotions, and I would have made a personal response, but I think this is something I should share.
In the INFJ depression post, I mentioned that a depression for us is generally when we completely remove all emotion for more than a month. The problem a lot of people face is that we don't know how to fix it when we've noticed it’s happened. How are you supposed to bring emotions back when you’ve accidentally (or purposefully in most of my cases) sent them away? The answer that I’ve found works best for me is to overload them again.
I know that forcing yourself to feel emotions again isn’t easy, so the idea of overloading them (when most of the time emotions are what caused the problem in the first place) sounds dumb, but hear me out. One of the many times I was in my depressed state I ended up watching the movie Lovely Bones. At the time, watching a sad movie sounded unappetizing to say the least, but I was putting on a show to make everyone else think I was okay. However, while watching it, I did something I rarely do while in a depression or shutdown. I cried. I cried during the movie and until I got home. I don’t know if it happened because the movie made me sad or because it put my life in perspective (if anyone here has watched it, you understand). What I do know, is that I called my family, while crying, and told them I loved them.
Of course, overloading isn't the only thing in the world that helps. I have two other methods that I actually prefer. They don't work as often, but they're less painful. The choice I go to most often is writing. Not like a diary or anything that real. Generally writing how I feel just makes things even more overwhelming. Instead, I do quick little fiction drabbles. I understand if your first thought is, I'm not a writer or something about not liking writing in general, but hear me out. INFJs are known to be empathic, but shutdowns can cut that connection off. What I've learned is that, when creating and writing for a character, it forces you to see things through someone else's eyes again. Only instead of feeling the overwhelming emotions of real people, you are creating a connection with something you can control. My general start is a character who is depressed, angry, overwhelmed, or in a generally negative situation. Then, I make their lives better, situation by situation. I introduce them to the kinds of characters I feel like I want in my life. I don't add an antagonist, or some deep emotional conflict, because the story is about making this one person's life better. Because I made this character, I have to let myself feel what they feel to guide the story. I feel better when they do. These little drabbles tend to have no real plot, flat characters, and little to no conflict unless I need another pick-me-up. The stories are bad. They are poorly written, I never go back to edit, and I would never share publicly for fear of them being ripped to pieces. However, they help restart my empathy. The stories themselves never end the depression, but they help bring me out of the shutdown so I can find the help I need.
The second method is focused more on other people. My most recent shutdown happened because of college. It actually didn't even occur because I was stressed, everyone else around me triggered it. Finals are a horrible time for an INFJ as far as I know. Both students and teachers alike are so stressed that it becomes impossible to breathe, and being stuck with a roommate who is just as stressed out can leave nowhere to go. A shutdown is bound to happen. This is where strategy number two can help. Don't get me wrong, this isn't just for college, the theory works just about anywhere. Make other people feel better. What I do is during finals, I go to all of my classes dressed in a weird outfit. I'll wear a cow onesie, a cape from Six flags, two hats with three pairs of sunglasses, my old LARPing cloak, anything that makes people do a double take. Some people will say that I do this for the attention. I don't. I hate attention, actually, but it is worth it. These people who were stressing, therefore causing me to be overloaded, end up laughing, or smiling. They relax, even just for a moment. When I do this, I will smile at every single person I pass, and if people want pictures, I'll take them. It's socially exhausting, I won't lie, but it helps. Seeing that, even if I'm shutdown, I can make other people feel better, makes me feel better.
I understand that most people are not comfortable enough to do the second choice, or you can't wear a cape to work. The part that matters here is that you are doing something that knocks yourself and others out of your usual patterns. For this to work you have to be able to see the change you're making. I'm broke, so I choose to change what I wear based on what I already own. Still, buying silly pens to give out works to. Make it something strange that they won't turn down (my attempts of giving out Oreos in the elevator failed because people don't trust food from strangers). Part of my problem with the shutdown is I know I'll feel guilty the second it's over. This removes that factor. Do something fun, out there, creative. No pranks. In a shutdown, it is hard to tell where the line is, so that is a dangerous path.
For the friend or loved one of an INFJ:
If you know an INFJ who you believe has shut down, it is a bit more difficult. Personally, when I shut down, I'm likely to door-slam anyone who tries to help. One more person can feel irritating and generally causes me to have a sensory overload. I know it can feel like you are walking on glass trying to help us. I can't tell you what will help everyone, but I can tell you what helps me. The number one rule here is to never tell the INFJ why you are doing this. Mentioning that we're acting weird or that we seem depressed causes us to shut down more. We become hyper-aware of what we're doing so any attempt to help will backfire. It sucks, I know. We think so to.
My first suggestion here has a lot to do with my religion. This is not to offend anyone, and I don't want to see a single comment talking negatively about it. This helps me, and if it helps anyone get out of a depression it is a good thing. When I shut down, my pastor used to ask me to talk about how God has influenced my life. He never mentioned my depression or asked how God did anything in a positive or negative way. Generally, this leads to me talking about what my calling is. When I talk about God, and everything negative that I have survived in my life, I feel better. Like if I let whatever is overwhelming me now win, then all of my other triumphs would mean nothing.
My brother is actually the best at cheering me up. He is my polar opposite in just about every way, and I think that helps some. Understand that he is not physical, he does not like hugging, he does not express affection. When he sees my upset, he takes me into a room away from everyone else, locks the door so they don't bother us and cuddles. He'll play stupid songs and sing off-key. He'll turn on movies we both hate so we can make fun of them. The entire time he is visibly uncomfortable, but when I tell him he doesn't have to, he'll cover my face with a pillow. When he does it, sometimes I end up actually crying. He doesn't mention that I'm crying, doesn't wipe my eyes, just keeps going. The actions themselves aren't really what's important. If anyone else did any of these things, I'd be waiting for a reason to politely leave. It's also not just because he is my brother, because it gives me a headache when the rest of my family tries. This works because of how hard he's trying. Because he's doing things he knows I like, even if he hates them, and won't stop even when I tell him he can leave. It works because of how genuine the want for me to feel better is. He'll do things like that until I'm in tears, and will keep doing it a good week after my shutdown has ended, just to make sure. My point here, is do something that will shock them. Something that you would only do because you care so deeply. We can feel that, even when we're numb. I don't know about other INFJ's but when I cry, I don't want that to become the focus. Do what my brother does, just keep going.
Another tactic used is therapy shopping. Not online, but physically going to get the thing. Now if you're thinking, this just works for girls, listen close...guys want things too. I personally never go therapy shopping for clothes, I get food and video games. I also never do it myself, someone has to take me or it won't happen. Try taking them out to their favorite restaurant that they never visit. Take them to buy fake mustaches. Get them out and remind them that it can be fun. This method is not cost-efficient, I get that, but it can still help.
I am sure you read my tip to my fellow INFJ's about doing something weird. This works the other way too. Something that is completely left field can shock us into waking up. Walking in to see someone in a cow onesie with a cape just restarts the system. Do something with a shock factor. I can't give too many exact examples, because I don't know you or them. You know what would get them to just start laughing if they walked in and saw it. This is not a long-term solution, but it temporarily stops the shutdown so you can step in and keep your INFJ upbeat.
Here is a little secret I have learned over time from my own life, and reading other INFJ blogs. When an INFJ is depressed/shut down, do not talk about their emotions. Don't dig, don't ask what's wrong. Just fix it. After we feel better, we will be willing to talk about it. During the depression, people asking just hurts more. We want to tell you what's wrong. We want you to understand, but that is the INFJ paradox. No matter what we do, we do not feel like we can get people to understand, or we have a feeling with no way to tell you the cause. It's frustrating, and devastating, and makes us feel isolated. Even if you understand, which you probably do, we're feeling the emotion so deeply that trying to explain it causes a stronger shutdown. I'm a little conflicted writing this honestly. Because deep inside a part of me is saying that INFJ's want to talk about what's wrong because I always want to tell people why I'm so numb. The truth here is, when we try to explain, it feels like we're making mountains out of molehills.
An example of this happened just this year. I failed a class, my first time ever failing a class. It felt like my world was ending, and I was suffocating. When I told my friends, they said, "Everyone fails a class." It was supposed to cheer me up, but instead I shut down and didn't talk to them about it again. Because they were right, of course. It was just a class. I could retake it. However, INFJ's are feelers, not thinkers. Knowing I could retake it didn't stop me from feeling like I had failed everyone who counted on me to get through college. I also felt like I couldn't talk to my family about it because my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. How do I tell them I'm falling into this emotional abyss over a grade when cancer is a factor in our lives? I wanted to tell people that I was shutting down, but how could I? When my mom asked what was wrong, I said I was fine and just a little upset and sunk further down.
You can be well-meaning. You can plan to be there and encourage them, but INFJ's feel like their problems are nothing compared to everyone else’s and it makes it impossible to talk about. It's a flaw of ours and can frustrate the people that care about it. That is why my suggestion is to just do. My dad got me out of that shutdown by just taking me to get frozen yogurt and talking nonstop about Overwatch. I don't even play Overwatch. But it was a reminder that, even with everything going wrong, we can enjoy the little things. I really hope this helps. INFJ's if your friend is trying to take you out when you don't want to because you're shut down, humor them.
Again, everything I write is from my own experiences. I don't have all of the scientific research and facts that a lot of other INFJ bloggers do. However, I would give this advice to most people. I have been on the deep end of a depression, I have been hospitalized for an attempt, and never want anyone to ever go through that. I never want to fall that low again either. I am not a professional by any means. If you feel that your prevention has escalated to a specific point, and you will know exactly what I mean when it happens, go here https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. I don't take depression lightly and during a shutdown people may not be able to know that you need the help. Something I had to learn the hard way is all because people don't notice doesn't mean they don't care. As an INFJ, and maybe this is true for most people, I find it hard to remember that all because I'm hyperaware of what everyone else is feeling, doesn't mean that they are. People need you to vocalize, and INFJ's are bad at that. We want to keep the negative locked away and smile for everyone else. We don't want them to feel bad because then we'll feel worse. I should have added all of this in my last post, but it's here now.
Feel free to contact me for anything at my email: brokengirlsdream@gmail.com
Just make the subject INFJ or something like that. I'm not very formal when I email so I do apologize for that.
Sorry for the long post.
-Sandra, an INFJ
