The infamous INFJ "door slam"

A lot of INFJ blogs mention the INFJ "door slam". I feel the need to cover this as well because the door slam seems to be the thing that most other types don't know how to react to. Please don't forget that all of this is through my personal experience, it isn't the same for everyone.

The INFJ door slam is what happens when I can't take anymore of one person; maybe they pushed my boundaries too far, or they always tried to start conflict. I don't slam my emotional door if you offended me once, if you argued twice, or even if you say you've killed someone. I get that conflict happens, and even though I shut down for a bit, I don't just slam the door. No, I only use my INFJ door slam when you've pushed the same thing multiple times.

The problem is that some people don't realize that they've crossed a line. I don't openly say, "Hey, that was offensive, please don't say/do that again". Instead I internalize what was said or done and I let it fester. With this being true, my door slam may seem to come out of nowhere with no explanation. One day we were doing fine, the next I seem more closed off. This is something I want other INFJ's to understand. No one can read our mind so we may seem like the villain to everyone watching.

My most recent door slam was one that I didn't realize I did until weeks after the fact. A friend of mine, on here I'll refer to him as Bull for the sake of simplicity, is a notorious flirt. In fact, almost any female who has spoken with Bull has ended up sleeping with him. However, Bull and I drew our lines pretty clearly. I liked him, but I have a strong rule; my first kiss will be on my wedding day (I'll cover this on my next post). He believes that you can only prove love through contact. Therefore the two of us silently agreed to go on with a sibling like relationship instead. No dating aloud.

Bull moved away some time ago now, but we kept in touch. Texting about everything and anything. One time he called me up, turned out he broke up with some girl, and he was feeling lonely. He started pushing past that "sibling" boundary that we set up. Of course I understood, but I couldn't be that for him. My heart hurt and I started crying after we hung up.

The next time he pushed the boundary further. He called me, drunk, and started using this weird guilt trip thing. How I'm the only person he could talk to, how I leaned on him when I needed help, how we acted like more than friends (which I'm not sure about. I acted with him the same way I act with everyone I consider an actual friend.), how we could be. I stopped answering his texts for a while after that. However, I went against my gut feeling (which I generally rely on) and started talking to him again.

I'm sure all of you kind of understand how that went. It was the same pattern as before, except Bull  started going into detail and I actually asked him to stop. My only actual verbal warning. Of course he didn't, and I came up with some lame brain excuse to get off the phone. 

I didn't really even realize until today that I haven't texted him back for a few weeks, maybe months. No contact, no answer, no reason, I just cut him off. Emotionally I can't handle it. I know that it's wrong, but he crossed the line too many times. He tried to push where I wouldn't go.

The closer I am to a person the harder I slam the door. With Bull, it was a pretty obvious case. However, there are people who I've shut out that don't realize I've done it. I wasn't too close with them anyway, so I can act about the same. It's the only way I can remove unneeded drama from my without a major amount of conflict.

-Sandra, an INFJ

Relationships/ the dream man

           It proves difficult to be in a relationship as an INFJ. The "perfect person" for us is almost always out of reach. My last relationship was with Mr. wonderful. He was protective, creative, different. He had manners and an amazing sense of humor. We actually met through LARPing (live action role playing) of all things. Each date proved almost perfect.

       The problem was honestly with me. At first I couldn't explain why I was unhappy with him. Everyone in my family loved him, his family loved me, and he made it clear he wanted a long term relationship. How could I possibly be unhappy? It wasn't until weeks after I ended it that I realized the problem. He was too much for me. He was always either throwing a million different meaningless questions my way or expecting me to talk. If I were anyone else that would have been awesome. However, as an INFJ, I don't like meaningless talk. I run out of energy too fast and end up wanting to go home. The meaningful conversations we had were too much too fast. I knew that he wanted me to trust him, I could feel how much he needed me to, so I often tried to open up. That just made each time going out worse. I knew that there would be a long revealing conversation that I wasn't ready for and that he'd expect me to still be okay afterward.

       Another big problem was that we could never just be quiet. As an introvert sometimes I just need silence. I can feel and think more when nothing is being said. If there is always talking than I'm always analyzing the person, not myself. I lose my feelings in the words they say and find myself zoning out or wanting alone time. Even when I was having downtime he needed me to talk. He needed me to text, or call, or be mushy. Once he called me and fussed because I hadn't texted him for a few days then he tried to hold small talk. I was emotionally overloaded at that point and tried my hardest to get off the call (which I hate talking on the phone anyway). The next date I couldn't help but continuously be self-conscious about everything. Was I not good enough? He could definitely do better.

     I know it is just as hard for a person to date an INFJ as it is for an INFJ to date in general. However, this many things adding up so quickly caused me to have an emotional shut down. I would just stay in my room and not talk to anyone. I stopped my feelings, stopped caring about other people's feelings, and just stopped. I call this the "INFJ Depression" (I'll write a post going more into that in the future). After, only slightly, reawakening my emotions I ended the relationship. That made me go into another depression because I know that he was the ideal "perfect man" for so many people. He gave me present, held doors open, paid for everything. He cooked like a pro, and was so friendly. However he was just not the guy for me. Maybe someday I'll find "The One", but until then I'm okay with my few close friends. They are more than enough to satisfy my social need.

-Sandra, an INFJ

First Post

This is my first time doing a blog that isn't just based on poetry.

I learned a while ago that I am an INFJ personality type. After reading so much about my type I decided that I want to share my own experiences with anyone who wants to read them.

I'm not so sure about doing so, but I know that other INFJ types want to find more people that understand them, just like I do. I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes, or if I say anything offensive.

I'll start actually posting after school tomorrow.

-Sandra, an INFJ