A lot of INFJ blogs mention the INFJ "door slam". I feel the need to cover this as well because the door slam seems to be the thing that most other types don't know how to react to. Please don't forget that all of this is through my personal experience, it isn't the same for everyone.
The INFJ door slam is what happens when I can't take anymore of one person; maybe they pushed my boundaries too far, or they always tried to start conflict. I don't slam my emotional door if you offended me once, if you argued twice, or even if you say you've killed someone. I get that conflict happens, and even though I shut down for a bit, I don't just slam the door. No, I only use my INFJ door slam when you've pushed the same thing multiple times.
The problem is that some people don't realize that they've crossed a line. I don't openly say, "Hey, that was offensive, please don't say/do that again". Instead I internalize what was said or done and I let it fester. With this being true, my door slam may seem to come out of nowhere with no explanation. One day we were doing fine, the next I seem more closed off. This is something I want other INFJ's to understand. No one can read our mind so we may seem like the villain to everyone watching.
My most recent door slam was one that I didn't realize I did until weeks after the fact. A friend of mine, on here I'll refer to him as Bull for the sake of simplicity, is a notorious flirt. In fact, almost any female who has spoken with Bull has ended up sleeping with him. However, Bull and I drew our lines pretty clearly. I liked him, but I have a strong rule; my first kiss will be on my wedding day (I'll cover this on my next post). He believes that you can only prove love through contact. Therefore the two of us silently agreed to go on with a sibling like relationship instead. No dating aloud.
Bull moved away some time ago now, but we kept in touch. Texting about everything and anything. One time he called me up, turned out he broke up with some girl, and he was feeling lonely. He started pushing past that "sibling" boundary that we set up. Of course I understood, but I couldn't be that for him. My heart hurt and I started crying after we hung up.
The next time he pushed the boundary further. He called me, drunk, and started using this weird guilt trip thing. How I'm the only person he could talk to, how I leaned on him when I needed help, how we acted like more than friends (which I'm not sure about. I acted with him the same way I act with everyone I consider an actual friend.), how we could be. I stopped answering his texts for a while after that. However, I went against my gut feeling (which I generally rely on) and started talking to him again.
I'm sure all of you kind of understand how that went. It was the same pattern as before, except Bull started going into detail and I actually asked him to stop. My only actual verbal warning. Of course he didn't, and I came up with some lame brain excuse to get off the phone.
I didn't really even realize until today that I haven't texted him back for a few weeks, maybe months. No contact, no answer, no reason, I just cut him off. Emotionally I can't handle it. I know that it's wrong, but he crossed the line too many times. He tried to push where I wouldn't go.
The closer I am to a person the harder I slam the door. With Bull, it was a pretty obvious case. However, there are people who I've shut out that don't realize I've done it. I wasn't too close with them anyway, so I can act about the same. It's the only way I can remove unneeded drama from my without a major amount of conflict.
-Sandra, an INFJ
