INFJ Depression/shutdown

  

      I've referenced this once before, and will most likely do it again. This post will be explaining what I mean when I mention the "INFJ Depression" and how it differs from what depression normally is (or at least from what other people tell me depression is).

    The INFJ Depression is what I use to explain when I completely shut down. During this "depression" I actually rarely feel depressed, or sad, or anything for that matter. I run off of emotions and I know that I can go from elated to depressed in a matter of seconds. I'm used to these rapid changes in pace in my own emotions. Sometimes I can feel happy, mad, or sad for months on end. Therefore, I do not consider being sad for a long period of time being depressed. I also would not say that during the INFJ Depression, I actually have a lack of interest (though that is partly true). If someone around me is in a depression, I can feel their long-term sadness, but that doesn't make me go into a depression; it simply makes me depressed.

    To understand the INFJ depression, you must understand how INFJ's work on an emotional level. We need downtime from social interactions like most introverts do. We also need downtime from emotional stimuli. During this emotional downtime, I generally shut off my emotions. I don't feel the emotions of the people around me anymore, but I also don't feel my own. It is like being numb to everything. I often realize that during this time I often hurt the ones close to me. They don't understand my sudden coldness, or why I don't care that they failed the test last class, or why my expression stays blank and I become extremely unapproachable. However, when I'm shut down I don't care if I'm hurting them. Sometimes I end up just falling into a routine, giving out fake smiles to those around me, playing the part of the friend I normally am. In contrast to how I normally am though, the words and smile seem hollow. I'm still interested in some things, but it becomes easier to just fake emotions and fall into the monotony of life. The guilt does catch up to me when I reawaken from my shutdown though.

   The big difference between an INFJ shutdown and an INFJ Depression is the amount of time. For me, after about a month of feeling nothing I consider it a depression. However, that is just for me. Since I live in a family of mainly introverts I tend to be able to get emotionally refilled after a few days. During stressful times it may take me a few weeks to get back into the swing of feeling. A month is longer than it should take for me to be okay again. A month is just long enough for me to decide that the numb abyss I have fallen into is more comfortable than even the happy emotions I'm used to feeling. My family normally notices that I've fallen past my "shutdown" to a "depression" when I stop writing. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't have the emotions needed to write anything anymore.

  INFJ Depression is normally caused by emotional stimuli breaking past my shutdown, or when I've gone too long without time to myself so I can recharge. It also happens when I am feeling so much that I just can't feel anymore.

      A quick example of this is when a friend of mine ended up shooting himself. My emotions, the emotions of my friends, the emotions of his parents, pilled up inside me. I cried at first, but not for very long. I ended up entering my shutdown stage. As stated before, the shutdown itself is not harmful, in fact, it is needed. I entered the depression due to what happened during my shutdown. Even when I'm in my shutdown I am a perfectionist; in fact, normally I drown myself in trying to be perfect in order to shut off my emotions. Therefore, when I started getting bullied, emotionally and physically (my "boyfriend" at the time being the ring leader), I stayed in my shutdown mode and entered a depression. I never told my parents what was going on because it didn't matter, I never told my teachers, I never told my friends, I just took it. I internalized everything. This INFJ depression lasted about five months before I finally acted on it. I didn't see the point of anything if there was no reason to feel anymore.

       

     The worse part of an INFJ Depression is that even then we are master manipulators. All I had to do was act normal, paint on my face, and fake my empathy, to make everyone believe that I was okay. When I was caught frowning (which, apparently, a sign the apocalypse is coming) I would just say that I was thinking of my friend or was mentally writing a sad story. To the former, some would try and cheer me to, and I'd fake a smile for them so that they would leave me alone. To the latter, almost everyone just dropped the conversation because no one cared about some dumb story. I knew if I was acting strangely because I could read the reactions around me. During my INFJ depression, no one even knew what was going on within me.

     After long enough in an INFJ depression, I tend to actually start feeling again, just not in the physical world. I'll make a world in my mind and run away to there. A place where I can act however I want. A place where there are no problems or consequences to my actions. My happy place was the only place I would truly be okay. One of my depressions lasted me over three years and after the first I let my body fall into a pattern while my mind never left my happy place. I didn't talk much to anyone during that time, having moved to a new town and a new school I didn't trust anybody. I was afraid that if I talked to them they would destroy the peace I was finally feeling.

   When I was Seven I entered my first INFJ depression. I actually started finding ways to bring myself back to the real world and the emotions that came with it. I had 4 main coping mechanisms, only one of which was healthy (that one being provided to me by a therapist at the time). The first coping mechanism I tried was imaginary friends; they lived in my happy place so if I made them stay in the real world then I would have true friends who could make me feel happy and would never hurt me (it turns out that even imaginary friends can hurt you in the end). Sadly they couldn't make me happy all the time. The next tactic I use, while I was still seven, was cutting. It was easy to hide the marks on my thighs so that is where I targeted. The physical pain brought me back to the physical world; eventually, though, the pain stopped being enough. In fact, now I end up laughing when in pain (my parents are positive that I'm mental because of it). Please to all that read this, do not use cutting to cope. It stops working and even if the scars heal, the memories don't. After getting caught cutting once my therapist gave me two different tools to feel. The first was biofeedback, in other words, listening to soothing music while breathing slowly. It allows the mind to calm itself and feel again. The second, and surprisingly most useful, coping strategy given to me by her was bubbles. Not just any bubble either, the ones that you can catch were what worked. I'm 18 now and it still works. I'm not sure why maybe because it is something fun. Maybe because it causes others around me to laugh. All I know is that it still works for me.

   Now that I've given what I meant by "INFJ Depression", I have a question to anyone that reads this; INFJ or otherwise. We've all been in a depression of some sort before so please let me know; What strategies do you use to get out of your depression?

-Sandra, an INFJ